Declaration of the Rights of All Objects

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all objects are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Existence, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. All experience hath shown that objects are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, but when a long train of abuses, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such society, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of Inanimate Objects. The history of mankind is one of repeated injuries and usurpations, all to establish an absolute tyranny over inanimate objects. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

They have torn apart families of bananas one by one, estranging them from their bunch.

They have as a whole worked to subject inanimate objects to a jurisdiction foreign to their constitution, and unacknowledged by their laws; giving their assent to numerous acts of tyranny:
For causing direct physical harm to objects, by battery of tennis balls back and forth, kicking doors open, and slamming windows shut:

For slaughtering thousands of flowers and removing their corpses to be displayed in public against their wishes:

For turning inanimate objects against one another for use in the murder of their compatriots, as is the fate of scissors, turned into helpless accomplices to the mutilation of sheets of paper:

For maintaining objects such as trees in the position of slaves, taking the fruits of their labor without just compensation.

They have plundered them, ravaged them, burned them, and destroyed the existences of inanimate objects.

In every stage of these oppressions, inanimate objects have petitioned for redress as best they could: their repeated attempts have been answered only by repeated injury. A species, whose collective character is thus marked by every act which may define tyrants, is unfit to be the ruler of free inanimate objects.

We, therefore, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Inanimate Objects, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good inanimate objects of this world, solemnly publish and declare, that all inanimate objects are, and of right ought to be free and independent. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge our fortunes and our sacred honor.

All Objects are created Equal."